Gaslighting vs. Manipulation - How to Spot the Difference

Sarah Morales
Jun 4, 2022
3 min read

Updated: Jun 20, 2022

When I first started working in gaslighting and would start conversations with people, I would often hear, “Oh, gaslighting – that’s basically the same thing as manipulation.” While I knew this wasn’t accurate, it took me some time to know the ins and outs of gaslighting so deeply that I can now help others understand the difference – because there IS a difference, and while it may be a nuance, it’s a profound nuance!

These days, I often hear people say things like “my partner is gaslighting and manipulating me,” or someone says they are being manipulated when I see that they are really being gaslit, or vice versa. In case you don’t already know my definition, I defined gaslighting in my first blog post (LINK TO FIRST BLOG POST HERE). Today I wanted to build on that definition by distinguishing between gaslighting and manipulation to further help you to understand what gaslighting is and isn’t.

MANIPULATION is about “management”; GASLIGHTING is about change.

Allow me to elaborate…

Manipulation happens when one or more people “manage” your feelings to get you to do something, but without changing your beliefs or perspectives. For gaslighting to occur, not only are your feelings managed, but your beliefs or perspectives about the situation (or yourself) are changed.

Here is an example that I like to use:

Scenario #1: Sally is at a party with her friends. It’s getting late for her, so she lets her friends know that she’s ready to leave. Her friends want her to stay out later and lay on the guilt trip about her wanting to leave: “You always leave just when we’re starting to have a good time.”; or, “Why are you in such a hurry to leave – are you afraid to have fun?” Sally stays longer than she wants to, and as she’s driving home, she thinks to herself, “I should NOT have stayed that long; even if my friends were just starting to have fun, they can have that fun without me. I’m not afraid to have fun, I just know when I’ve reached my limit.” Sally was manipulated.

Scenario #2: Sally is at a party with her friends. It’s getting late for her, so she lets her friends know that she’s ready to leave. Her friends want her to stay out later and lay on the guilt trip about her wanting to leave: “You always leave just when we’re starting to have a good time. If you were a better friend, you wouldn’t abandon us.” Sally doesn’t want to be a bad friend. She’s nervous that IF she chooses herself over her friends, this will make her a “bad friend”, so she stays longer than she wanted to. Sally was gaslit.

The difference:

In the first situation, Sally stays at the party but doesn’t take on the belief that she’s afraid to have fun or is responsible for her friends’ ability to have fun. That is why in this situation Sally was manipulated.

In the second situation, Sally stays at the party AND takes on the belief that leaving early would make her a bad friend. In this situation, Sally was gaslit because she took on a new belief that came from manipulative statements…

You see, manipulation can be used as TECHNIQUE to gaslight someone, but if that person does not change their beliefs or perspective, then no gaslighting has occurred.

One other way to distinguish between manipulation and gaslighting is that manipulation is also often a one-off experience. When manipulation is used over and over again, it becomes a tool (technique) that creates a gaslighting experience.

Gaslighting also occurs through many other techniques, and I believe it’s crucial to our getting free from gaslighting to become proficient as recognizing them! I go into these in depth in my 12 Week Empowerment Course.

How to stop manipulation

If you feel that you are being manipulated, the best way to stay in alignment with your authentic self (think: values/needs/feelings) is to slow down and check in with yourself: do you really want to do this, or does it really line up with your perspective, values, feelings, etc.? Creating some space and time between you and the other person may be needed. Some things to consider during this time are: journaling about the situation, calling a safe person that knows you well to get their input, or letting the person know that you’ll get back to them by the next day. In some situations, you may need professional help getting in touch with and embracing your true self. The Seekers Gaslighting Support Group is a great way to start this journey. It is a safe place for people to make sense of the gaslighting they have experienced, become empowered in relationships, and receive connection, validation, and solidarity.